SCREEN TIME

"We need to create a culture of digital mindfulness, where we consciously choose how we engage with technology rather than letting it dictate our lives." - Dr. Larry Rosen

Kail raising his hand in his online French lesson. 

I grew up in a house where the TV was almost always on. I hated it. When I moved out I didn’t have a TV for well over 20 years. I was offered several big screen flat TV’s when friends were upgrading over the years. I had zero interest. People would look at me like my head was on backwards when I told them I didn’t have a TV, especially in the early 2000s.

I thought people turned into zombies when they sat down in front of the TV. They would sit down to watch a short show AKA “program” and get sucked in. Three hours later they would find themselves engrossed in something they wouldn’t have chosen to watch. The worst was commercials. They drove me crazy. Back in my day it was mostly cereal commercials. Today, it’s pharmaceutical commercials that seem to rule both TV and computers. Click bait keeps us hooked.

The screens eventually got me too. I never bought into the TV. I was late to the computer and cell phone game. Eventually though, I started watching a little show on my computer before bed here and there. I got on Facebook and then Instagram too. I currently find myself mindlessly scrolling when I know there are so many other things I could be doing. I’m working to improve this. I set the timer and try not to go over it. I often fail. I sometimes wish we could go someplace and live off the grid and eat from the land.

It’s disheartening seeing everyone so drawn in to their hand held devices. Now we aren’t just sitting zombies but walking ones. People don’t want to interact with each other any more. Drivers are distracted and as dangerous as drunks. Babies are raised on devices. I want to cry every time I see a baby in a stroller on a nature walk with an iPad in her hand. We go to restaurants and most children have a parent or caregiver’s cell phone in front of them. At a concert everyone is recording instead of enjoying. People are so out of the moment, so glued to their device. The disconnect from each other hurts my heart.

I’ve nannied for decades now and watched so many little ones as they had their first tastes of screens. If you get the chance, watch a baby or toddler on a hand held screen. Stare at their eyes as they stare at the screen. Their pupils subtly move in and out and from side to side. I dub it the trance dance.

I first noticed the trance dance with a little one I was potty training. That was the only time he was allowed screens. It was to watch a video or two of himself to try and keep him on the potty as long as possible. It worked. He would stay on the toilet for as long as he could be on the screen. His big blue eyes (it’s easier to see with lighter colored eyes) freaked me out as he watched. From a babies first screen experiences, including that little guy, taking it away is hard.

Kail doesn’t get much screen time. He got none for the first two years other than the occasional video of himself or something family related. He is five now. We don’t live off the grid. Keeping him entirely screen free would be nearly impossible. I realize it’s a tool of his generation. Thankfully thus far he isn’t reliant on screens. It’s a natural and acceptable rule that we don’t regularly sit around on screens. Kail generally spends about 4 hours a day outside, more when possible. The average child today only spends 4-7 minutes in free play outdoors. Most days, many children don’t even get outside for 1/2 an hour.

Kail enjoying some screen time

We usually watch a little something together in the evenings. Sometimes Kail will get an hour during the day on screen while I’m writing and dad is on his computer. If we go on long car or plane rides he gets to be on the iPad. In my next blog, I’ll share some of the things I find “screen worthy” for him. The things I would put on or let him be with on those rainy days or hectic times when I just needed a few minutes to myself.

There is a whole movement called “radical unschooling.” While I would consider us to be “unschoolers,” the “radical” part is a bit too radical for us. Most “radical unschoolers” have unlimited screen time believing that the child will eventually regulate himself or become a game designer. While this may be true for some children, in my opinion it is not true for all or even most children.

Every child I know struggles at least occasionally when asked to get off a screen. I’ve met kids who if left to their own devices (quite literally) wouldn’t stop to eat if someone wasn’t stepping in. Many children have trouble regulating themselves. It’s part of being a child. Even as adults we struggle with regulating our time and our devices. It’s harder when your brain isn’t fully developed yet.

Sugar: the other thing I can’t let him have as much of as he would choose. He would happily sit and eat from this bucket until he threw up, then he might try and eat some more.

I’m all about letting a child make their own decisions and giving them as much agency as is safe. I try to live by the motto, “never do for a child what he can do for himself.” Screens and sugar are two things I know Kail’s little body and brain aren’t ready to manage yet. As he grows I want to be his friend as much as his parent. I want him to know that I trust him and his instincts. I’ll also give him firm boundaries but give him plenty of wiggle room within those containers. I'll adjust as needed and be flexible. I’ll try to gently teach him to make his own choices for his own best interest. I know I won’t do everything “right.” “Right,” "wrong,” and “normal” are just words we choose to believe or not. I’ll do my best until I know better then I will do better. I hope to teach my son to do the same.